//comments

This is absolutely the final Christmas season that I spend working retail. I refuse to be stuck for another year in this soul-sucking limbo between my financial and my creative obligations. I need to devote time to making a profit doing the work that is real and meaningful to me.

Errant thought. Deep truth.

R

My most notable flaw, as an audience(singular), is my susceptibility to a certain kind of hero(ine). I identify so aggressively with this character that their fundamentally fictional status loses any of its liberating relevance – to put it into more coherent words, the suspension of disbelief is sustained outside of the fiction and I might struggle to remove myself from his(her) trial/triumph.

Wait, I haven’t gotten much sleep… and I don’t know if I’m making much sense. How can I explain this to you? It doesn’t matter which characters I fashion to tell you a story – the words are mine and I weave them myself. In that sense, when you read a story, your interaction with the characters are really an interaction with the author. Well, that makes enough sense, doesn’t it? But that kind of thought is persistent. It persists upon me at any rate…

Sleep has been tough these past few days. Partly because my work on Bijoux Red, and on Galaxy Parade, is going very smoothly right now. When things go this smoothly, I start to lose my grip on reality. Really, I become far too excited about my work to think rationally about anything else. Sleep is out of the question.

The other reason is that I just finished reading Sputnik Sweetheart, by Murakami, a few nights ago and the characters have persisted upon me for the past few nights… “it’s as if the whole world was made for our loneliness.” Or something like that. Last night, while sitting, sharing tea with that thought ‘loneliness’, I became frustratingly restless… so I threw on a movie that German has been asking me to watch for the past ……. couple of years? The movie is called ‘Mind Game’. With that kind of name, it’s no stretch of the imagination to figure the kind of impression that left on me – me in my wavering, fragile state.

Well, I’m hoping this doesn’t sound like I’m complaining, or whining, or unloading. I’m really just telling you a story. Can we take that at face value? Okay! I’ll take it from here…

Today it rained. The wind was strong and it rained. After getting off of work, I passed by the HMV in Square One and was pulled in by a ‘SALE’ sign. I’m not cheap… I’m just broke. But that’s not the point of this story. Encouraged by my find (a DVD of the movie Fargo, which I recently fell in love with), I decided I should stick around for a bit, wander the aisles, maybe look for something worth listening to, something to ease my heavy heart, heavy with absence – Re: Loneliness…

It never occurred to me that HMV would have a ‘classical’ section. But of course it would, right? It’s not like I would deny it if somebody told me so. It just never occurred to me, that’s all. ‘Classical’ is a broad, misused and abused term, so I usually keep well away from anything making that kind of bald-faced declaration like ‘Classical Music’… Well, I came up a failure over and over again; like stepping into a casino, finding Fargo on sale was like my ‘beginner’s luck’, something to get me in there and thinking about spending money.

I’m not gonna tell you about how amazing it was to come across what I found next though, cause it’s really not like winning the jackpot at a slots game in the casino. No, in that sense the analogy doesn’t hold up very well. Or maybe it does, if you consider that I may have walked out of the casino modestly richer than I was when I came in. However you cut it though, what I found in the classical section, one lined up after the other, was a recording of Gustav Mahler’s fifth symphony (my absolute favourite symphony after Schubert’s eighth), and a collection of Felix Mendelssohn’s more memorable pieces (Hebrides Overture anyone?). It might seem terribly boring to find these recordings, even to a fellow enthusiast for late-romantic era composers, but let me tell you. I spend a lot of time looking up these kinds of performances on Youtube, and I never really figured out (somehow) that these recordings were out there somewhere to be bought! So when I saw these two CDs, vessels to the sounds near and dear to me, it felt like a strange sort of encouragement from within/without – a sign from the universe! As if God himself was watching and saying to me, ‘Keep going! You’re doing just fine!’ (What’s more, they were both on sale!)

With a surge going from my hands to my heart, I exchanged money for music with an underpaid man in a navy blue t-shirt.

On my way home, the wind was blowing fierce from all sides – the rain itself had no clue where it was coming from or where it would land, and my umbrella was flailing outward in every which way! Subject to the ridiculous temperament of indifferent weather, I could hear the sounds in my head – the opening melody of the Hebrides Overture. My stride was so fierce and forward that I could swear I saw my shadow, more than once, running to keep up with me against a bustling army of gales! In this universe, the one within, the one without, we’re not alone.

I’m sitting here typing, listening to Mahler’s fifth. The loneliness, the absence, the book, the movie, the unappreciative winds and the endless sky all add up to this moment. It’s not really amazing, I’ll admit. I just felt like sharing a story, that’s all.

At the store, we’re getting our regular hours back in November, and then some – likely because the shopping season is marching forward in full armament. “I’m ready to fight! Give it your best shot!” It’s going to be a battlefield, but at least I won’t feel so broke. This will go a long way towards completing ‘that project’ too. Bijoux Red and Galaxy Parade couldn’t be going better. My hands are full, and I wish I could say the same for my heart. Alongside the aforementioned suspension of disbelief, loneliness is a persistent fellow too. But I love my work and I love to work, so that’s a pretty good setup right there. Well, we can’t have it all, right? Not yet, anyway. I should finish what’s on my plate first… let’s not get greedy now! This is a hefty goal we’re working toward.

Alright! We can do it! Keep going! You’re doing fine! The universe is on my side, after all.

R

*Phew*

It’s so pleasing to see that things are moving.

When I haven’t posted in a while, I start thinking about all these things I want to talk about during my next post. The problem with that is after I think those thoughts and the moment passes, I forget what I had to say! I’m definitely the kind of person who needs to have a notepad with them at all times….

But let’s not beat around the bush now! The Bijoux Red ARC Combat Tutorial Demo is now available at the development blog, so stop by and take a look if you haven’t already!

Well, it’s really not anything grand, but we’d like to share our hard work with everyone, and now everyone can begin to see what we’re working toward, and what we have in mind! A larger demo is coming soon, likely next month – as well as a new full title, Galaxy Parade, which is already under development by Revolver Games’ Team Black Dog … but we’ll reveal more information on that just before the release date (in about two months) and when we reveal our big surprise at the end of the year!

Everything turns into business with me, hahaha. Well, I guess these kinds of work-oriented thoughts just suit me…

R

I finally found my groove on this Sound Design thing. My friends are far too kind to me, and infinitely patient. I can be a very impatient person, so I don’t really know why I deserve this. I’m grateful anyway. Thanks, Angel – like I mentioned earlier, you helped me put sound design into a tangible form. Things are moving nicely now.

My horoscope mentioned something about moving between tasks right now and socializing more than usual. I think that was more or less dead on, but I feel like I can keep moving forward now. This reminds me of a conversation that I had before with Mae. I wouldn’t call this an artistic block, but this was a serious block for me. It’s only thanks to all of my friends that I was able to work past this so quickly and effectively. Playing video games with Mike has become oddly therapeutic.

OLA, I love you. This site has become something very real to me – a place to come home to. I’ll work hard to return to a regular posting schedule, everyone.

=)

R

I just haven’t had the spirit to post these days. Working on Sound Design, I feel like a child again. I become impatient and lose steam quickly. Brief moments of success and excitement give way to confusion and frustration. I’ve been hounded by a single thought, incessantly. If I give up now and find someone else to do this, is that surrender? Is that failure? I’ve never felt like I couldn’t do something before. Maybe I can’t do this.

I have to keep pushing. This nauseous feeling has to be defeated. I need to keep trying, slow down, relax and start from the beginning. What’s going on here? How come learning how to code is easier than learning how to design sound effects? What I really need is to find some good tutorials, or a tutor. I feel too embarrassed to go back to Logan – my academy sound/music teacher. I had to cut our lessons short before because of a general lack of funds. Like with Ramon, I can’t go back to Logan until I have something to show for myself. Aside from this childish nausea. I want to make those guys proud.

Feeling pretty low.

R

Today was work, and today was games. And a little bit of financial gain. This is my post, and the weekend lies in front of me like fertile soil. Bearing that I get enough sleep.

There’s a way to make this all work out. How does that go again? I’ll have to sit and think about this one.

R

Business as usual – closed the store tonight, opening the store tomorrow. I’m using the rest of the night to finish up some features for the tutorial. Once those are done, that should be it for programming, unless we find some new bugs, and then I can focus on additional asset-wise features for the tutorial and get this thing out there for people to enjoy.

Even from this point, finishing up the demo will be mostly a matter of scripting the events for each of the four stories, since most of the programming is already done. Assets, assets, assets are my concern right now. There are a lot of sounds that still need to be designed, for example. I’m looking forward to having this demo out of the way so that we can continue with the main game.

Being that I have to open the store tomorrow, I don’t have a lot of time to work on my own stuff right now. Something about work today just had me irritated, although I can’t put my finger on it. Well, tomorrow is another opportunity to make money, plus we get paid, so I’ll just take this feeling in stride. Of course, after my shift tomorrow, I have the whole weekend, plus Monday, to enjoy the chance to do nothing but work. It’s really exactly what I need right now. I look forward to those moments the way someone else might look forward to their vacation. =)

Speaking of vacations, I’m taking two weeks off of work to go to Miami in November. Guess what I’m gonna be doing there! Working on Bijoux Red and Space Guitar!, of course I’m so looking forward to this.

R

We had fajitas for dinner tonight. Delicious.

I was thinking about posting this later today – after some much needed sleep – but I figured, ‘what the hey’, I may as well go ahead and post this now.

I’ve spent more or less all day making the tutorial more usable. Aside from multiple other small changes, the single most useful method implemented toward this end has been the advent of ‘Tutorial Arrows’. The idea came first from Aaron – and again from a few other people who had no idea what was going on during the tutorial. Tutorial Arrows, for all intents and purpose, are the fool-proof method for communicating an otherwise groundless concept to someone who has had no exposure to our game. Now, instead of just describing what a certain Icon looks like and how it works, I will also point to it using the infinitely useful Tutorial Arrow. Really, the only reason I have so much to say on the topic (and I could go on) is because I’ve been outfitting both the Basic and Advance Tutorial with these insufferable buggers for the last four hours. And that’s from when I started counting!

There is a new battle feature that I’m excited to share with the members of Visha’s Vanguard – and will likely be the topic of a much needed Dev Blog update in the coming days. Hoy… I love that blog, but I wish I knew if people were looking at it. I might feel encouraged to post more frequently if I could feel even the faintest presence of an audience. Maybe I can post up some new audio, a couple of new images… we’ve been meaning to post up some story details, which we normally withhold. Aye, I just want some sort of glimmer of an audience, really. This can be so frustrating. We really should update it though with a new post. I’ll be sure to bring that up on Saturday (which is when we’ve begun holding our regular meetings, made especially convenient thanks to the OLA Sketch Session gatherings).

In other news, German, Mike and I may have decided on the subject matter of our follow-up project to Bijoux Red, which we will surreptitiously refer to from here on as ‘Project Blue’. Exciting.

R

In conversation with Terry this weekend, I related to him my experiences with this blog and how it’s affected so far the way that I think and the way I work. It’s worth noting, maybe, that there has been an affect, despite doing this for only a short time. Which I find interesting. What I remember mentioning to him was that I’ve become more conscientious of how I spend my time; how much time I spend working and how that influences my free time. As a rule, I use the terms ‘free time’ and ‘work’ loosely; defining qualities of either might coalesce, making unclear any definite, personal interpretation. I love to draw comics, and I love to write music, so in a way I can’t fully consider that kind of pleasure as being completely separated from my free time. On the other hand, although I love my job, working at the store can hardly be considered leisurely, and playing Rock Band Beatles is likewise not very productive.

As I mentioned, I’ve become increasingly conscientious of how I spend my time. I’d like to emphasize that writing this blog hasn’t given me a voice to answer to, like a boss or a supervisor of sorts. This kind of reflection invariably forces me to answer to my own designs though. This weekend, we celebrated our collective late-Summer birthdays at Sonny and Aaron’s house, giving rise to a fictitious holiday we jokingly call ‘Virgo Day’. I’m pretty sure everyone had a great time, and I was able to enjoy myself without imagining the cold hands of guilt wrapping around my body, pulling me violently from the festivities into that hollow, lonely pain of guilt (the typical symptom born from ignoring my work). After the night’s events had faded though, standing outside underneath suburban sky, Aaron and I looked at each other and reflected, fully aware at that moment that the weekend merriment had taken a notable toll on both of us. There’s something funny about indulgence. I wonder what it is…

I don’t want only to impress upon you this bittersweet afterthought though. We really did have a lot of fun, even if it’s not something that we can do all the time, as friends or as artists. On my birthday, I invited my close friends over to work, and just to work. This kind of low-key scenario suits my personality just fine. Looking through rose-coloured glasses, I’d like to think that on that night, we simply took pleasure in each others company, and in sharing a kind of low, gentle laugh. I’m possibly an old man at 24. Oh, by the way, I’m not used to being 24 yet. Really, I had just settled into being 23. Here’s looking forward to another year of perplexed contemplation when people ask for my age.

Really, I start every paragraph fully intent on discussing my progress with Space Guitar! and ‘The Challenge’. Really, for real. So here we go. If I hadn’t been able to complete at least 4 pages of pencil art on Saturday (which I did), then I probably wouldn’t have had such a good time. At this moment, Space Guitar!’s chapter 12 pre-digital production is fully complete, inks et al. As for chapter 13… regrettably, I ran out of inks and I just can’t afford any more until this Friday, so fulfilling the parameters of ‘The Challenge’ as I declared them has become a financial impossibility, and a temporal improbability. Of course, I don’t mean to say that I won’t participate in ‘The Challenge’ anymore, or that I give up, or anything like that. Rather, I hope that Aaron and Terry might allow me to change my projected goal. I’m going to lay down all of the pencils tomorrow for chapter 14, and I hope that’ll be enough to clear my name. Well, this whole affair sounds really dry, even in relating it as a well-meaning narrative – but that’s work for you I suppose.

Bijoux Red continues to go well, although typically not on schedule. Conversations with several playtesters have grown substantially my list of features and fixes that I need to include for the public tutorial build. On the positive side, all of these fixes and features are for the clear better. On the negative side, that also makes it harder for me to refute them and settle into a smaller workload. Again, that’s work for you, right? Something about doing a good, complete job is extremely satisfying, and I believe now that I’m chasing that sensation, like a fledgling hunter, high and excited with the success of the previous year’s kills at the dawn of a new hunting season. On another note, even if we include only the tutorial modes into the build that we’re going to make public, I think that members of Visha’s Vanguard will be able to start playtesting the Story Mode for the ARC Combat Demo sooner than later. At Trevor’s request, we may even include a third ‘EX-Tutorial’ for highly advanced and ambitious players. I’m not sure about that one yet, but the idea seems fun, so I thought I’d mention it here just for kicks.

I read somewhere that after 23 days of repeating an activity, we develop that activity into a habit. I’m going to start marking each day’s posts, from 1 to 23, to try and develop that critical habit. Maybe then it’ll be harder for me to neglect posting over the weekends, or during days when I work late. *Ahem* … It is 4 29 AM on September 22nd … this is post #1.

As for the Aspirations Breakdown… I don’t feel like displaying it today. It’s so mechanical and ugly. I really need to put together something new… something comprehensive.

R

I find it hard to post consistently over the weekends, especially because the working and waking hours become so eclectic that I lose track of when one day ends and the other begins. I’ll need to find a solution for this, because I don’t want to start making exceptions to rules like “only post once during the weekend”. There’s this saying… something about how when you make a single exception to one of your rules, then you start making exceptions all over the place. Maybe this isn’t a saying though. Really, I read it in a book.

Last night, I began making a checklist for the features that need to be completed for the ARC Combat Demo’s release … looks promising. I’ll fill this out more when I get home from work tonight. =)

In other news, Space Guitar! is looking good. More on that later as well.

R